Daily Dreaming http://sweetafton.blog.com Flow gently, sweet Afton, disturb not her dream... Mon, 15 Dec 2008 02:14:30 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.7 en hourly 1 This can be better… http://sweetafton.blog.com/2008/12/15/this-can-be-better/ http://sweetafton.blog.com/2008/12/15/this-can-be-better/#comments Mon, 15 Dec 2008 02:14:30 +0000 Shannie In an effort to update, as per Caren's request, I thought I'd sit down and try to write something.  I am very much an emotional writer.  Some choose to eat, some choose to drink...me, I choose to write.   However, because I write when I'm emotional, all of my posts tend to be a bit more on the sad side...sorry. 

In my attempt to write something a little more sunny, I tried to play some feel good, fluffy, make-me-wanna-smile music, but that just felt wrong.  Fabricated happiness doesn't translate on paper...the cursor just blinks at me like it's saying "You can play all the happy, peppy music you want.  Until you put on your sad, sappy music you love so well, and really start writing about how you really feel, I'm just gonna blink on this blank page in protest of anything you think you'd want to write to come off as anything but how you really feel."

However, I'm not really into share time right now so I'll just leave you with this...

Have you ever wished you could step outside yourself for a moment?  See the world’s view of you…see if what you try to put off is what actually comes across…? 

Or…if you really think about it, the question becomes: Are you really that good at hiding how you feel? 

This is a battle
And its your final last call
It was a trial, you made a mistake, we know
But why aren't you sorry, why aren't you sorry, why
This can be better, you used to be happy, try
-Colbie Caillat
]]> In an effort to update, as per Caren’s request, I thought I’d sit down and try to write something.  I am very much an emotional writer.  Some choose to eat, some choose to drink…me, I choose to write.   However, because I write when I’m emotional, all of my posts tend to be a bit more on the sad side…sorry. 

In my attempt to write something a little more sunny, I tried to play some feel good, fluffy, make-me-wanna-smile music, but that just felt wrong.  Fabricated happiness doesn’t translate on paper…the cursor just blinks at me like it’s saying “You can play all the happy, peppy music you want.  Until you put on your sad, sappy music you love so well, and really start writing about how you really feel, I’m just gonna blink on this blank page in protest of anything you think you’d want to write to come off as anything but how you really feel.”

However, I’m not really into share time right now so I’ll just leave you with this…

Have you ever wished you could step outside yourself for a moment?  See the world’s view of you…see if what you try to put off is what actually comes across…? 

Or…if you really think about it, the question becomes: Are you really that good at hiding how you feel? 

This is a battle
And its your final last call
It was a trial, you made a mistake, we know
But why aren’t you sorry, why aren’t you sorry, why
This can be better, you used to be happy, try
-Colbie Caillat

]]> http://sweetafton.blog.com/2008/12/15/this-can-be-better/feed/ Blindly Optimistic http://sweetafton.blog.com/2008/03/10/blindly-optimistic/ http://sweetafton.blog.com/2008/03/10/blindly-optimistic/#comments Mon, 10 Mar 2008 02:48:00 +0000 Shannie It's no secret that this war has affected the US in ways we have tried to avoid since the wars of the past.  I see movies about what people went through during both World Wars and Vietnam.  I see the pain in the eyes of the very clever actors who were able to evoke an emotion to make the movie worth watching.  It's a completely different story when the pain I see is in the faces of people I actually know, real people.

I went to the movies with my mom this weekend...she was dying to see The Other Boleyn Girl.  I loved it the first time so I was happy to see it again.  The difference this time, I actually made in time to see the previews.  The last preview before the start of the movie was for the upcoming movie, Stop Loss, starring Ryan Phillippe and Channing Tatum.  A group of soldiers come back home from fighting in Iraq, only to be shipped right back out.  "You've been Stop Lossed," is what the guy tells them.  That means, "Thanks for almost dying and fighting your ass off, glad you're home, but now you get to go right back to the sand becasue we're out of men to do it for you."  Now, I've see this preview several times before and usually think of how nice it would be to watch another movie where Channing Tatum would hopefully, at some point in the movie, walk around without a shirt.  But this time was different.  I could think of nothing else than one of my closest friends sitting in the sandbox from hell.  As tears started rolling down my face, all I could do was think about him and the huge prayer list from my church of people serving overseas right now...fighting a war that should not have been fought at all.  Too many lives have been taken to prove some kind of point.  What that point is, I don't know. 

What I do know is that change must come soon...maybe it will come in the form of a new president, maybe I'm being a little too optimistic about changes that are being proimised by the people with the mics and their names on posters.   I won't get into my feelings on current politics, another time, another place.  I want my friend to come home.  I want everyone to be reunited with their loved ones fighting for someone else.  I'm proud of him and the fact that he's stepping up and trying to help clean up someone else's mess.  Good for him.  Call me selfish but I just want them all home and safe. ]]> It’s no secret that this war has affected the US in ways we have tried to avoid since the wars of the past.  I see movies about what people went through during both World Wars and Vietnam.  I see the pain in the eyes of the very clever actors who were able to evoke an emotion to make the movie worth watching.  It’s a completely different story when the pain I see is in the faces of people I actually know, real people.

I went to the movies with my mom this weekend…she was dying to see The Other Boleyn Girl.  I loved it the first time so I was happy to see it again.  The difference this time, I actually made in time to see the previews.  The last preview before the start of the movie was for the upcoming movie, Stop Loss, starring Ryan Phillippe and Channing Tatum.  A group of soldiers come back home from fighting in Iraq, only to be shipped right back out.  “You’ve been Stop Lossed,” is what the guy tells them.  That means, “Thanks for almost dying and fighting your ass off, glad you’re home, but now you get to go right back to the sand becasue we’re out of men to do it for you.”  Now, I’ve see this preview several times before and usually think of how nice it would be to watch another movie where Channing Tatum would hopefully, at some point in the movie, walk around without a shirt.  But this time was different.  I could think of nothing else than one of my closest friends sitting in the sandbox from hell.  As tears started rolling down my face, all I could do was think about him and the huge prayer list from my church of people serving overseas right now…fighting a war that should not have been fought at all.  Too many lives have been taken to prove some kind of point.  What that point is, I don’t know. 

What I do know is that change must come soon…maybe it will come in the form of a new president, maybe I’m being a little too optimistic about changes that are being proimised by the people with the mics and their names on posters.   I won’t get into my feelings on current politics, another time, another place.  I want my friend to come home.  I want everyone to be reunited with their loved ones fighting for someone else.  I’m proud of him and the fact that he’s stepping up and trying to help clean up someone else’s mess.  Good for him.  Call me selfish but I just want them all home and safe.

]]> http://sweetafton.blog.com/2008/03/10/blindly-optimistic/feed/ Stuck in something… http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/11/11/stuck-in-something/ http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/11/11/stuck-in-something/#comments Sun, 11 Nov 2007 21:12:16 +0000 Shannie I can't decide if I'm stuck in some sort of post-traumatic limbo, waiting for things to get better, for the next step.  Most days I'm ok.  It's not as bad as it was a few months ago.  But there are days where things are not so good.  I have thoughts and ideas running around my head, all quite conjumbled. 

I took a walk around the city, in hopes of getting some fresh air.  I can't do that in Alexandria just yet, worrying if I'm gonna run into anyone worth avoiding, but DC is big enough to not be seen.  I still avoid the select fews spots that carry too many memories.  I say select few, but in reality, I'm somewhat limited to the places I can go that don't remind me of something.  There are still songs I can't listen to.  The saddest part about my shortened playlist is that I still haven't been able to listen to Nickel Creek.  It's a travesty for such a huge fan of the band as I am.  I'll get that back.  Just like I'll get all my favorite places in the city back.  It just takes time.

It's amazing how dreams have such an impact on the unconcious.  Why do we dream certain things?  Do they all have meaning?  Are they all complete nonsense?  I'd like to think that dreams, for the most part, are formed from our best kept thoughts, secrets and fears.  I had a dream last night that has cast this sad shadow on my day so far.  Which is why I'm blogging.  I've found a blog to be sort of cathartic, which is probably the reason I only blog when I'm in a pensive, sad or nostalgic mood.  Most of the time, none of these blogs make any sense, none of the thoughts tie to each other...except for the underlying sadness that links each one. 

Truth is...today, I'm sad.  Today I want to go home...today I want to be with my parents, I want them to give me one of those hugs that magically makes all the sadness go away.  I want to be able to frolic with my friends and forget about what is making me sad.  I just want to not be so sad anymore.  The funny thing is, as long as I don't have any similar dreams, tomorrow, I won't be so sad.  A friend told me that it will come and go.  That I will feel fine, feel like I'm over it, and then out of nowhere, it'll hit me and instantaneous sadness will be back...but then go away again.  I'm just ready for it to be over all together.

I'm fine, but I'm not ok.  I'm looking forward to looking back on these days...
]]> I can’t decide if I’m stuck in some sort of post-traumatic limbo, waiting for things to get better, for the next step.  Most days I’m ok.  It’s not as bad as it was a few months ago.  But there are days where things are not so good.  I have thoughts and ideas running around my head, all quite conjumbled. 

I took a walk around the city, in hopes of getting some fresh air.  I can’t do that in Alexandria just yet, worrying if I’m gonna run into anyone worth avoiding, but DC is big enough to not be seen.  I still avoid the select fews spots that carry too many memories.  I say select few, but in reality, I’m somewhat limited to the places I can go that don’t remind me of something.  There are still songs I can’t listen to.  The saddest part about my shortened playlist is that I still haven’t been able to listen to Nickel Creek.  It’s a travesty for such a huge fan of the band as I am.  I’ll get that back.  Just like I’ll get all my favorite places in the city back.  It just takes time.

It’s amazing how dreams have such an impact on the unconcious.  Why do we dream certain things?  Do they all have meaning?  Are they all complete nonsense?  I’d like to think that dreams, for the most part, are formed from our best kept thoughts, secrets and fears.  I had a dream last night that has cast this sad shadow on my day so far.  Which is why I’m blogging.  I’ve found a blog to be sort of cathartic, which is probably the reason I only blog when I’m in a pensive, sad or nostalgic mood.  Most of the time, none of these blogs make any sense, none of the thoughts tie to each other…except for the underlying sadness that links each one. 

Truth is…today, I’m sad.  Today I want to go home…today I want to be with my parents, I want them to give me one of those hugs that magically makes all the sadness go away.  I want to be able to frolic with my friends and forget about what is making me sad.  I just want to not be so sad anymore.  The funny thing is, as long as I don’t have any similar dreams, tomorrow, I won’t be so sad.  A friend told me that it will come and go.  That I will feel fine, feel like I’m over it, and then out of nowhere, it’ll hit me and instantaneous sadness will be back…but then go away again.  I’m just ready for it to be over all together.

I’m fine, but I’m not ok.  I’m looking forward to looking back on these days…

]]> http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/11/11/stuck-in-something/feed/ Goodbye http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/09/11/goodbye/ http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/09/11/goodbye/#comments Tue, 11 Sep 2007 00:47:58 +0000 Shannie Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, ever forget
These images

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

 -Fine Frenzy

]]>

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, ever forget
These images

Well, I’d never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

 -Fine Frenzy

]]> http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/09/11/goodbye/feed/ Beyond the point http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/08/05/beyond-the-point/ http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/08/05/beyond-the-point/#comments Sun, 05 Aug 2007 20:56:02 +0000 Shannie I know God has a plan for everyone.  I wonder if God has a predetermined breaking point for everyone as well.  I wonder what mine is.  Everytime I feel like it's been pushed beyond that point, something else happens to push it even further...hurt even more.  I know God is with me, I know he is helping through this, but I wonder how much that point will be pushed before I can finally breathe again...

I don't know how much harder I can pray for some sort of release, but after all, it is only day three...

]]>

I know God has a plan for everyone.  I wonder if God has a predetermined breaking point for everyone as well.  I wonder what mine is.  Everytime I feel like it’s been pushed beyond that point, something else happens to push it even further…hurt even more.  I know God is with me, I know he is helping through this, but I wonder how much that point will be pushed before I can finally breathe again…

I don’t know how much harder I can pray for some sort of release, but after all, it is only day three…

]]> http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/08/05/beyond-the-point/feed/ Rain http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/08/03/rain/ http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/08/03/rain/#comments Fri, 03 Aug 2007 13:43:08 +0000 Shannie I have no words right now, but this song is on repeat...

Rain by Patty Griffin

It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

]]>

I have no words right now, but this song is on repeat…

Rain by Patty Griffin

It’s hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won’t climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you’re gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I’m holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I don’t wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I’m not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I’m holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

]]> http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/08/03/rain/feed/ Ok God…I Hear Ya… http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/07/08/ok-godi-hear-ya/ http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/07/08/ok-godi-hear-ya/#comments Sun, 08 Jul 2007 23:37:21 +0000 Shannie As a Christian I'm still growing. I'm constantly reminded of how much growing I still have left to do, but I also see how much growing I've done in the past few years. Not a day goes by where I don't see God's power in even the most average situations. In my life alone I feel like God has done a complete transformation of my heart. As great as this change is, it makes it even more apparent that I'm not even close to where I need to be. In the past few weeks I have felt God pulling extra hard at my heart. It's like He's pulling me back, like I've drifted a bit. My love and faith in him has not drifted, but my faith in myself has.

I'm having a hard time of fully allowing God to take care of me lately. I have been questioning lots of things in my life...paths I'm taking, paths I haven't taken yet. It's the paths not taken that are pulling at me. I need to know that whatever God has planned for me and my future are going to be ok. I need to stop questioning what I have no way of knowing and just trust that God knows what's right. I need the patience to wait for God to show me what he has planned for me.

Proverbs 3:5 says " Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..." I know that's what I need to do.

I'm up for suggestions on how exactly it is I'm supposed to do that...

Some days I look down
Afraid I will fall
And though the sun shines
I see nothing at all
Then I hear your sweet voice
Come and then go
Telling me softly
You love me so...

]]>

As a Christian I’m still growing. I’m constantly reminded of how much growing I still have left to do, but I also see how much growing I’ve done in the past few years. Not a day goes by where I don’t see God’s power in even the most average situations. In my life alone I feel like God has done a complete transformation of my heart. As great as this change is, it makes it even more apparent that I’m not even close to where I need to be. In the past few weeks I have felt God pulling extra hard at my heart. It’s like He’s pulling me back, like I’ve drifted a bit. My love and faith in him has not drifted, but my faith in myself has.

I’m having a hard time of fully allowing God to take care of me lately. I have been questioning lots of things in my life…paths I’m taking, paths I haven’t taken yet. It’s the paths not taken that are pulling at me. I need to know that whatever God has planned for me and my future are going to be ok. I need to stop questioning what I have no way of knowing and just trust that God knows what’s right. I need the patience to wait for God to show me what he has planned for me.

Proverbs 3:5 says ” Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding…” I know that’s what I need to do.

I’m up for suggestions on how exactly it is I’m supposed to do that…

Some days I look down
Afraid I will fall
And though the sun shines
I see nothing at all
Then I hear your sweet voice
Come and then go
Telling me softly
You love me so…

]]> http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/07/08/ok-godi-hear-ya/feed/ It’s been a while… http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/06/09/its-been-a-while/ http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/06/09/its-been-a-while/#comments Sat, 09 Jun 2007 04:33:23 +0000 Shannie So I realize that it's been quite some time since my last blog.  It's a good thing I'm not a professional blogger, I'd never make any money.  As I sit in my apartment on a Friday night listening to The Weepies "The World Spins Madly On" on repeat, I realized that there are many thoughts rolling around in my head right now.

Summer is here and so far I've done nothing worth writing about.  Yes, technically we're still a few weeks away from the official start of the season, but it's hot as crap outside...close enough.  

It's been just over a year since my grandfather passed away and not a day goes by that I don't miss hearing his laugh or seeing his smile.  Marcus left for Iraq three days ago.  It is taking all that I have in me not to think that dream about his homecoming in a body bag.  What a horrible thought...I know.  But seeing all that I've seen in the news and my work in the news doesn't bode well for my outlook on the brave soldiers risking their lives in Iraq and Afghanistan.  And for what?  I'm still in the dark about that.  

I feel like sometimes I take my life totally forgranted.  I have everything in the world at my fingertips right now, and yet, I can't help but be contemplative and emo in my thought process tonight.  Maybe it's because it's Friday night and I'm sitting alone in my apartment blogging.  Maybe it's because I miss Paul, even though I just saw him last week.  Maybe it's the song on repeat.  Lots of factors are contributing to this random compilation of words and thoughts that make no sense.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to move back home to North Carolina.  I know somewhere Heather is reading this and thinking about all the wonderful things we could do once I move back.  Trust me, I think about it too.  But then I think about everything going on in this city right now.  True, I might not be taking full advantage of Washington DC, and the friends I have here, but it's here for me to enjoy.  Maybe one day I will move back to NC...maybe not.  I'm not closing that out, I'm not closing anything out as possibility for my life.  

See, I said this was random.  At least now you know what I'm thinking.  Instead of concluding, cause there's really nothing to tie these thoughts together right now, I'll just end with a period. 

]]>

So I realize that it’s been quite some time since my last blog.  It’s a good thing I’m not a professional blogger, I’d never make any money.  As I sit in my apartment on a Friday night listening to The Weepies “The World Spins Madly On” on repeat, I realized that there are many thoughts rolling around in my head right now.

Summer is here and so far I’ve done nothing worth writing about.  Yes, technically we’re still a few weeks away from the official start of the season, but it’s hot as crap outside…close enough.  

It’s been just over a year since my grandfather passed away and not a day goes by that I don’t miss hearing his laugh or seeing his smile.  Marcus left for Iraq three days ago.  It is taking all that I have in me not to think that dream about his homecoming in a body bag.  What a horrible thought…I know.  But seeing all that I’ve seen in the news and my work in the news doesn’t bode well for my outlook on the brave soldiers risking their lives in Iraq and Afghanistan.  And for what?  I’m still in the dark about that.  

I feel like sometimes I take my life totally forgranted.  I have everything in the world at my fingertips right now, and yet, I can’t help but be contemplative and emo in my thought process tonight.  Maybe it’s because it’s Friday night and I’m sitting alone in my apartment blogging.  Maybe it’s because I miss Paul, even though I just saw him last week.  Maybe it’s the song on repeat.  Lots of factors are contributing to this random compilation of words and thoughts that make no sense.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to move back home to North Carolina.  I know somewhere Heather is reading this and thinking about all the wonderful things we could do once I move back.  Trust me, I think about it too.  But then I think about everything going on in this city right now.  True, I might not be taking full advantage of Washington DC, and the friends I have here, but it’s here for me to enjoy.  Maybe one day I will move back to NC…maybe not.  I’m not closing that out, I’m not closing anything out as possibility for my life.  

See, I said this was random.  At least now you know what I’m thinking.  Instead of concluding, cause there’s really nothing to tie these thoughts together right now, I’ll just end with a period. 

]]> http://sweetafton.blog.com/2007/06/09/its-been-a-while/feed/ When’s it my turn…(channeling my inner Little Mermaid) http://sweetafton.blog.com/2006/11/15/whens-it-my-turnchanneling-my-inner-little-mermaid/ http://sweetafton.blog.com/2006/11/15/whens-it-my-turnchanneling-my-inner-little-mermaid/#comments Wed, 15 Nov 2006 03:58:59 +0000 Shannie As a result of my apparent lack of blogging, I decided my newest edition to "Shannon's Deepest Thoughts" should be that of a doozie.  I will not write on changes since my last real post, though they have been good and a definite step in the right direciton concerning my career.  Instead I will write my mind in hopes that it will somehow act as some sort of solace and release from the thoughts that just won't go the hell away.

Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to be completely jaded?  No...well of course not, it's not a normal thought one should have.  Who in their right mind would wish for a feeling of welcomed apathy and a sense of intense cynicism with anything that comes your way?  Me, yeah, it's a thought I tend to entertain from time to time.  I sometimes wonder what it would feel like simply not to feel. 

TV portrays jaded characters as the most witty, with the best lives, and even better lines.  They have the whole world going for them, yet they can't seem to get over being over it to see who's reaching out for them.  So what does that get them?  A hit TV show in which they are the principle character.  Unfortunately for me, my life is not scripted by the sharpest minds in the biz.

I have no reason to want to enter the empty part of life, void of emotions or feelings,but i can't help but to think that sometimes that might be better than dealing with my thoughts. 

In the past ten months, I've lost someone very dear to my heart, witnessed love in it's strongest form (congrats Anjie and Trent, Denise and Chris, Jessica and Greg, and Heather and Rick), and managed to watch some true forms of eveil rip out the hearts of the people closest to me.  And while I don't so much cherish the pain of some of my experiences, I'd love to just stop and stay in the presence of that strong love.  But I can't because after the euphoric feeling of being so happy for others, I can't help but think about myself.  Tre self-serving I realize.  I want that euphoria tossed in my direction.  I know it will come, but color me impatient.

No, I'm not necessarily asking for it to come tomorrow, but I can't help but sometimes feel like it's just not going to happen.  We are waiting on God's timing to see what will happen and what direction this wonderful relationship is going in.  But that doesn't feel comforting when I become rational and my faith gets tossed out the window when logistics come into view and I just can't seem to see how it could work. 

"Time is on my side," my personal montra in the making, so as not to totally lose sight of the good that is waiting for me, so as not to become jaded.  So many people in this world have become jaded, how can they not if you stop to think of all the bad in this world.  I should be so lucky that I'm not in that place.  Funny thing is...I'm very lucky, and one day I might even believe that statement.

Time is on my side...
Time is on my side...

 

]]>

As a result of my apparent lack of blogging, I decided my newest edition to “Shannon’s Deepest Thoughts” should be that of a doozie.  I will not write on changes since my last real post, though they have been good and a definite step in the right direciton concerning my career.  Instead I will write my mind in hopes that it will somehow act as some sort of solace and release from the thoughts that just won’t go the hell away.

Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to be completely jaded?  No…well of course not, it’s not a normal thought one should have.  Who in their right mind would wish for a feeling of welcomed apathy and a sense of intense cynicism with anything that comes your way?  Me, yeah, it’s a thought I tend to entertain from time to time.  I sometimes wonder what it would feel like simply not to feel. 

TV portrays jaded characters as the most witty, with the best lives, and even better lines.  They have the whole world going for them, yet they can’t seem to get over being over it to see who’s reaching out for them.  So what does that get them?  A hit TV show in which they are the principle character.  Unfortunately for me, my life is not scripted by the sharpest minds in the biz.

I have no reason to want to enter the empty part of life, void of emotions or feelings,but i can’t help but to think that sometimes that might be better than dealing with my thoughts. 

In the past ten months, I’ve lost someone very dear to my heart, witnessed love in it’s strongest form (congrats Anjie and Trent, Denise and Chris, Jessica and Greg, and Heather and Rick), and managed to watch some true forms of eveil rip out the hearts of the people closest to me.  And while I don’t so much cherish the pain of some of my experiences, I’d love to just stop and stay in the presence of that strong love.  But I can’t because after the euphoric feeling of being so happy for others, I can’t help but think about myself.  Tre self-serving I realize.  I want that euphoria tossed in my direction.  I know it will come, but color me impatient.

No, I’m not necessarily asking for it to come tomorrow, but I can’t help but sometimes feel like it’s just not going to happen.  We are waiting on God’s timing to see what will happen and what direction this wonderful relationship is going in.  But that doesn’t feel comforting when I become rational and my faith gets tossed out the window when logistics come into view and I just can’t seem to see how it could work. 

“Time is on my side,” my personal montra in the making, so as not to totally lose sight of the good that is waiting for me, so as not to become jaded.  So many people in this world have become jaded, how can they not if you stop to think of all the bad in this world.  I should be so lucky that I’m not in that place.  Funny thing is…I’m very lucky, and one day I might even believe that statement.

Time is on my side…
Time is on my side…

 

]]> http://sweetafton.blog.com/2006/11/15/whens-it-my-turnchanneling-my-inner-little-mermaid/feed/ Somewhere Along in the Bitterness http://sweetafton.blog.com/2006/10/07/somewhere-along-in-the-bitterness/ http://sweetafton.blog.com/2006/10/07/somewhere-along-in-the-bitterness/#comments Sat, 07 Oct 2006 18:03:23 +0000 Shannie Song of the day:

How to Save a Life by The Fray (www.thefray.net)

How To Save A Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

]]>

Song of the day:

How to Save a Life by The Fray (www.thefray.net)

How To Save A Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

]]> http://sweetafton.blog.com/2006/10/07/somewhere-along-in-the-bitterness/feed/