When’s it my turn…(channeling my inner Little Mermaid)
As a result of my apparent lack of blogging, I decided my newest edition to “Shannon’s Deepest Thoughts” should be that of a doozie. I will not write on changes since my last real post, though they have been good and a definite step in the right direciton concerning my career. Instead I will write my mind in hopes that it will somehow act as some sort of solace and release from the thoughts that just won’t go the hell away.
Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to be completely jaded? No…well of course not, it’s not a normal thought one should have. Who in their right mind would wish for a feeling of welcomed apathy and a sense of intense cynicism with anything that comes your way? Me, yeah, it’s a thought I tend to entertain from time to time. I sometimes wonder what it would feel like simply not to feel.
TV portrays jaded characters as the most witty, with the best lives, and even better lines. They have the whole world going for them, yet they can’t seem to get over being over it to see who’s reaching out for them. So what does that get them? A hit TV show in which they are the principle character. Unfortunately for me, my life is not scripted by the sharpest minds in the biz.
I have no reason to want to enter the empty part of life, void of emotions or feelings,but i can’t help but to think that sometimes that might be better than dealing with my thoughts.
In the past ten months, I’ve lost someone very dear to my heart, witnessed love in it’s strongest form (congrats Anjie and Trent, Denise and Chris, Jessica and Greg, and Heather and Rick), and managed to watch some true forms of eveil rip out the hearts of the people closest to me. And while I don’t so much cherish the pain of some of my experiences, I’d love to just stop and stay in the presence of that strong love. But I can’t because after the euphoric feeling of being so happy for others, I can’t help but think about myself. Tre self-serving I realize. I want that euphoria tossed in my direction. I know it will come, but color me impatient.
No, I’m not necessarily asking for it to come tomorrow, but I can’t help but sometimes feel like it’s just not going to happen. We are waiting on God’s timing to see what will happen and what direction this wonderful relationship is going in. But that doesn’t feel comforting when I become rational and my faith gets tossed out the window when logistics come into view and I just can’t seem to see how it could work.
“Time is on my side,” my personal montra in the making, so as not to totally lose sight of the good that is waiting for me, so as not to become jaded. So many people in this world have become jaded, how can they not if you stop to think of all the bad in this world. I should be so lucky that I’m not in that place. Funny thing is…I’m very lucky, and one day I might even believe that statement.
Time is on my side…
Time is on my side…
